PETE: Previously on Warehouse 13...
I love you, little sister,
and I am counting on you to fix all of this.
You love me and I love you. It's simple.
It's just that your life is filled with excitement and danger.
And it's all the things that I don't want.
Goodbye, Pete.
But who was this woman? And why did she...
Hey. Hey, what... What... What are you, writing a book?
No.
Yes... No. Which... Which answer will make you stop asking?
No, no... I think it's cool. When did you start?
Off and on about a year ago.
You're on page six.
More off than on. (DOOR OPENING)
Hello?
Hello. Ugh!
Come on, Artie, I've just sat down. Thank God, you're here.
Relax. I'm not here for you.
Steve? Steve? Steve!
What... Are you okay? What's wrong?
There's a ping for you and Claudia.
That's why you're yelling like your hair's on fire?
Why is that ping not for us? Whoa! So, what are you, benching us or...
I'm worried about Claudia.
She's locked up for two days in the Warehouse.
She's researching her sister Claire. It's not healthy.
So you're trying to distract her?
Yeah, but... Shush, you.
Look, there's a ping, there's trouble, there's artifacts. Go.
Go, go, go.
Ooh, is that a hoagie?
Oh, I want a hoagie.
(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING) (SOFTLY) He'll get nothing and like it.
Hello? Pete?
Kelly. What... Hey.
I'm... I'm sorry to burst in like this, but I'm in trouble.
Oh, my God.
Are you... Are we... Am I...
(STUTTERING) But we were... Oh, my God.
You know what, I'm gonna leave you two alone...
Myka, please stay.
Pete, relax.
This isn't about the baby. It's not yours.
I'm married. Besides, we broke up, like, two years ago.
You do know how babies are made, right?
Pete, exhale. (EXHALES)
(LAUGHS) Thank you. That's, like...
Wow, that's great, congrats.
Listen, I actually need both your help.
My grandmother's TV is possessed.
Well, if I can't temper her outburst,
maybe I should focus on her telekinesis. Claud?
I can recreate the music box song and do a brain scan...
Claud... But then she'd have to be awake
and could blow up the building. Claud!
(SCREAMS) Gee! Don't sneak up on me like that!
I've been standing here.
Well, stand louder.
You're tense.
(EXHALES) How's it going?
I want to punch things.
Okay, you need a break. We got a ping.
What? No. No, no, no, no, no.
No. I... I have so much work to do.
I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough, here. So...
Oh, really? What, uh... What is that?
Well, it's...
You know... I can... I can circumvent...
Oh, God, I hate being friends with you.
Charlie Battes, a college student.
While giving a presentation in class,
his spine spontaneously broke in three places.
Did Artie send you? No, I saw it on CNN.
Yes, Artie sent me!
(GRUNTING) Fine, I'll go, errand boy.
But this better be snappy.
Oh, yeah, man, I love books. I'm a big fan of books.
As a matter of fact, I got a lot of great ideas for your book.
Now, I'm guessing it's kind of a spy romance novel
with a sci-fi bend.
Well, you think we could get some robots in there?
Yeah, Pete, definitely. You know, naked, sexy fembots.
Kelly. Thank God. Just please distract him.
So, my nana's been homebound ever since my grandpa died.
Right, and you said that was two years ago?
Yes, I usually come twice a week to bring her food,
magazines, and usually, she's in there watching TV, but this morning...
I just found this.
Oh. And this is what was on when you found it?
Yes. It's my nana's favorite telenovela. Seducción Salvaje.
"Savage Seduction." But it was canceled. It ended last night.
Right, not to mention...
I unplugged it when nothing else turned it off.
And, as you can see, it didn't work.
Where's your Nana now?
I don't know. I called everybody.
I called the police, but they told me I have to wait 24 hours.
I can't. I just know that there's something wrong.
Guys? Yeah?
Is that her? (INDISTINCT)
My God. Nana?
Okay...
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me, my Nana's trapped inside a telenovela?
Apparently. Now, on the upside,
looks like she's got a pretty good part.
KELLY: She's playing the part of Doña Fausta Obregon.
The wise matriarch of the Obregon Dynasty.
Is this TV new?
No, she bought it over a year ago.
And you said that the telenovela ended?
Yes, in mean, my Nana was actually pretty upset about it.
You say that it was canceled.
And yet it's still on TV. (INDISTINCT)
Nothing. KELLY: This is the series finale.
This is where Doña Fausta gets murdered.
Oh, my God.
Does that mean my grandma...
Wait, wait, wait... No, no, no.
Just don't get too close.
(MEOWING) KELLY: No, Senor Cat!
(MEOWING CONTINUES)
Or that might happen.
Mr. Gato...
Now at least we know how she got in there, right?
Now, okay, Kelly, your grandmother,
has she bought anything strange or old or kind of, maybe, an antique?
No. I don't know.
Maybe. I'll go upstairs and check.
Uh, Kelly, listen,
everything's gonna be okay. I'm so glad you're here.
(EXHALES)
What?
No. No, no, no.
No, no, no... Oh, no.
I'm not talking about that. Myka, please.
She's married. Look, it none of my business.
She's got a belly out. There's nothing... Can we just
please go find some artifacts. We're gonna find the artifacts.
And, here we are.
I love this car. (LAUGHS)
Could you say that more often,
because once every two minutes just isn't enough?
No, seriously, how many cars tell you where the campus is,
where the best parking spot is, it even tells me which building we want.
Ah, but can it give me a good reason to actually go to college?
Kind of just seems like a waste of four years to me.
An education, a job, a career.
Got it, got it and got it.
And I didn't go to college.
I'm also not in debt for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'll be paid up in the next five years.
Oh! In that case, sign me up.
Yes, you can do an expose on Bill Clinton, if you want
but I'd say you're late to the party, okay?
Professor Moulton. Yes.
Oh, Agent Jinks, I presume.
Thanks for meeting with us.
This is my partner, Agent Donovan.
Nice to meet you. CLAUDIA: You too.
Now, the hospital didn't have a medical explanation
for what happened to Charlie and we were hoping that, uh,
you could fill us in. Honestly, I don't have an explanation, either.
(INDISTINCT) Mr. Battes was giving a presentation
on gonzo journalism.
About five minutes into it, this...
... "shadow" was the only word to describe it...
(GRUNTING) ...came flying in and slammed Charlie against the wall.
Then it was gone. (MURMURING)
Strangest thing I ever saw.
Always is. And such a shame.
He's a bit of a slacker, but this report was impressive, insightful even.
Couldn't have been that insightful.
The hospital said he had alcohol poisoning.
Impossible. I've had inebriated students.
Mr. Battes was stone-cold sober.
If you'll excuse me.
Well, yeah, but then, Senor Cat got to close
and, pizam!
Now he's on daytime TV.
The TV could be a conduit or a portal for the artifact.
Okay, but none of granny's tchotchkes are making any sparks.
The artifact could be in there with her. Uh-oh.
Pete... (INDISTINCT)
(CRASHING) Oh!
Abuela, no. No, Kelly, don't!
(ZAPPING) (SPEAKING SPANISH)
Holy poltergeist!
What? What was that light?
(IN ACCENT) This house is not clean.
What? Speak English!
Artie, things just got cray cray.
(TELENOVELA THEME PLAYING)
(GASPING)
(SPANISH GUITAR PLAYING)
(PANTHER YOWLING)
(DOOR OPENING) ARTIE: Hello, Pete?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in here.
What's happening?
Well, I don't speak Spanish,
but Myka is a super-hot maid who hates Kelly,
and I'm waiting for this guy Armando,
who I'm hoping doesn't show up,
'cause I really wanna see these two make out.
I meant, with the artifact.
Oh, right. Um... There's nothing in the house.
But grandma got this in the mail yesterday from the telenovela people.
What does it say? I don't know, it's in Spanish.
Give it to me. I happen to read Spanish.
Dear Mrs. Hernandez, blah, blah, blah...
Really? "Blah, blah, blah"?
What is that Spanish for? "Blah, blah, blah"?
"For being such a huge fan,
"please accept this Obregon broach that Doña Fausta wore in the show."
A broach, as in, a fancy pin?
A broach, as in, that.
(INAUDIBLE)
PETE: Ooh, bling-bling.
Okay, dudes, this is Charlie's room.
Ugh! Another temple of higher learning.
Ugh! Kid's today!
Kid's today are your age.
Then they should have better taste.
So, Dan, would you say that Charlie was a studier or a partier?
Yeah, definitely.
Dude, he wants to study and party, obviously like everyone.
Uh-huh.
So, when was the last time you saw him?
This morning.
I don't know, around 6:30.
Oh, right before Moulton's class?
I don't know how he got there.
Charlie partied hearty all night. I mean...
I bailed at sunrise, he was still barfing off the side of the bridge.
Moulton said he was sober and insightful half an hour later.
Dude, try "barely walking."
Okay, but how does a cheap TV prop become an artifact?
(SIGHS) Probably was just a cheap TV prop
until Kelly's grandmother got it.
Now, she's elderly, shut in, lost her husband...
Sometimes, people fill a void with an obsessive attachment to a TV show.
Hey, I watch Breaking Amish because I like it, okay?
I can quit anytime.
When her telenovela was canceled,
maybe the broach was imbued with her longing to escape.
Yeah, but if she can make a new artifact
out of something we know nothing about, then how do we stop it?
By getting in there and neutralizing it
before the episode ends and Hortencia dies.
Yeah, but Artie, then we could end up just like Myka and Kelly.
I mean, they're not just playing Maribel and Carmen,
they are Maribel and Carmen. (INDISTINCT)
These cufflinks, they once belonged to Harvey Korman
from The Carol Burnett Show. Yeah.
He was famous for never being able to stay in character.
As long as you and I each hold one of these, we will stay ourselves.
You ready? Sure.
Oh, hey, Artie, next week can we go meet Honey Boo Boo?
Shut up and get in the TV.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Congrats.
Your Prius found their off-campus study group.
This glass is on top of the dust.
This window must have been shattered recently, maybe this morning.
Well, Dan said Charlie was up there.
What, you think he fell from the bridge?
Yeah...
Oh, hey.
Hmm. Look at this.
Higher education at work.
Huh, our guy was a videographer.
BOY: Hey, Charlie, careful.
PPZ rules! (WHOOPING)
Hash tag. (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(WHOOPING)
Oh! That had to hurt. Ouch!
Claud, the way that he hit,
that fits the impact that Professor Moulton described
when Charlie slammed into the wall.
Also explains his broken back.
I mean, the goober's lucky he's still alive.
This video was taken at 7:14 a.m.,
that's right in the middle of Charlie's presentation.
So he was in two places at once?
Let's play that again, Sam.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(WHOOPING)
That's Latin. It means "My candle burns."
Why would a college kid yell that?
"PPZ," that could be "Psi Phi Zeta."
And the Latin, that could be a fraternity motto.
Nice work, Jinksy.
Wait, were you in a frat?
Oh, my God. You were in a frat.
I bet you were just like Hoover.
KELLY: Armando! (GASPING)
Armando!
(SIGHING) Kelly.
(SCREAMING)
(PHONE BEEPING)
(WOMAN TALKING)
I never met Charlie.
So he isn't a pledge here? I don't think so.
Why are you lying to us, Biff? It's Bryce, and I'm not.
Uh-huh, and what about this?
(SPEAKING LATIN)
That's your frat motto, I believe.
Whatever. Just 'cause he knows our motto, doesn't mean he's pledging.
So you don't mind if we have a look around, then?
It depends what you're looking for.
(GROGGILY) Hey, pretty lady. What's up?
Ox... Damn it, Ox! Get back downstairs.
Look, my dad runs the biggest law firm in Minnesota.
I know my rights. Get a warrant.
Nice guy. Yep.
College sure is impressive.
Claud, look. Isn't that Ox?
Yeah, Ox just went back downstairs.
I wanna see what's down there.
Come on.
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
(BELCHING)
Methinks these frat losers have a duplication artifact.
Splits you in two.
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
The you that party's hard, and the you that works hard.
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)
(GROANING) Dude, I think I'm gonna puke.
(VOMITING)
(GUN FIRING) (WOMAN SCREAMING)
(GASPING) Doña Fausta!
Caramba.
(TELENOVELA THEME PLAYING)
Okay, we blend in, we hit the basement, we bag the artifact.
That's a great plan, except that Bryce will recognize our faces.
Oh, don't worry.
He won't be looking at our faces.
(LAUGHS) Mmm-hmm.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Wow!
Nice work, ladies. Take five.
All right, frat boy, what kind of heathen initiation ritual
am I about to walk into here?
I don't know. My frat wasn't like this.
We had book club and yuletide a Capella.
Please forget that I said that.
Oh, my God, it just gets better.
I say, we follow him. Oh, yeah.
Don't start without me.
(PEOPLE CHANTING)
Okay, they're not doing yuletide a Capella.
So, can your twin peaks get us in there?
These are only one of my many super powers.
(CHANTING CONTINUES) BOY: Wait. Guys, wait.
Watch this. (GIGGLING)
Oh, my God, I am so drunk.
You gotta help me.
You're up, plebe.
(ALL CHANTING)
My candle burns at both ends.
ALL: It will not last the night.
But oh, my foes, and oh, my friends...
ALL: It gives a lovely light.
Psi Phi zeta, burn.
Psi Phi zeta, write. Psi Phi zeta, learn. Psi Phi zeta, all night.
Hey, what the hell is that, man?
You again.
Bryce, you have no idea how dangerous that is, you gotta give me that candle.
This guy's an ATF agent.
(SCREAMING)
Steve? What happened?
Did you get the artifact? Was that you screaming?
Oh, honey, I didn't scream. It was that silly bitch.
Oh, grow up.
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
Ay!
(GAGGING)
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
Hmm?
Two Steves? Can I just say, this is amazeballs!
Actually, it's not.
A dangerous artifact is bad enough, but this...
This is rampant underage drinking.
Oh, boo-hoo, Nancy Drew.
We should call the police.
Unbunch your panties, will you?
I mean, check out our bestie.
The girls are out and they are looking fabulous.
It's a party.
You need to relax. No, I don't.
You son of a bitch. You irresponsible slut.
Steves, mmm, loving you both. You a little bit more.
But let's just split up and find Bryce, okay?
First one to zap a frat boy gets to keep him.
Oh, man.
(LAUGHING) Actually, this is my badge, where's Bryce?
Do you parents know that you are here?
Bryce. Look at my lips. Bryce.
I'm looking for Bryce. Do you know him?
Hey, let me see your driver's license.
My eyes are up here. Bryce.
Plucked brow, clean back of the neck, flawless cuticle.
You're gay. No, I'm not.
You're lying.
BOY: Bryce. Hey, Bryce!
Steves.
Come on, you silly twit!
(SQUEALING)
Could a girl get a hand?
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
Myka!
(COUGHING)
Grr, I love it when I'm butch.
No, no, wait, listen. I'm innocent. I didn't do it.
Do what, Biff? Use an artifact
to duplicate you're frat brothers?
Is that a candle in your pocket or are you just really into twins?
Tell me about the candle, Bryce.
Okay, it belonged to Edna St. Vincent Millay, all right?
Of course, "My candle burns at both ends, It will not last the night."
OMG, what rhymes with bore me?
Please don't call my dad.
Okay, let's finish this.
Oh, no, no. I'm just getting started.
Damn it, your evil twin sister's got the candle. Whee!
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
(CRYING OUT IN SPANISH)
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug...
Chug, chug, chug... Enough! Give me the artifact.
Come and get it, Lady Poopy Pants. ALL: Ooh!
Twin fight, twin fight, twin fight...
You are a prude and a nag.
You're a self-obsessed slut.
You are the worst gay guy, ever.
Ow!
(SHRIEKING)
(GROANING IN PAIN)
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
Twin fight, twin fight...
You're gonna die a lonely, old hag.
That's better than a whore in a gutter.
Well, sounds good to me.
Twin fight, twin fight...
No way, secret agent girl.
I would have done well in school.
(ZAPPING) Twin fight, twin fight...
Argh, curses!
How do I fix this? Argh!
Okay, think, think, think...
How did it stop before?
Charlie fell of a building, Ox just passed out...
Hey, Steve. (ZAPPING)
Claudia. Doll face.
WTF? Sorry, sweetie, you were really fun.
See you around sometime.
(GRUNTING)
(CHEERING)
Are you okay? I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, not on these shoes.
(CACKLING)
(YELLING)
(LATIN HORN MUSIC PLAYING)
VOICES: Olé!
(COUGHING)
No!
(BOTH SIGHING DEEPLY)
Eh? Ay!
Oy.
So, any residual effects?
Besides the bruises, the hangover,
and your relentless nagging me to call everyone I see a "biatch"?
Say it again. Say it again. No, stop that!
(LAUGHS) Well, on the upside,
I think I've come up with, like, ten new things to try on Claire next, so...
Wait for it...
You were right.
Fixing her is gonna be a marathon.
I needed a break, and I needed to pace myself.
Oh, and Steve,
I will never let you die a lonely, old hag.
Thanks, biatch.
(GASPING) Shanté, you stay.
Hey! Hey!
Uh, Artie took off. Okay.
That was weird, right?
Weird artifact weirdiness.
Let's never talk about it again. Talk about what?
(LAUGHS)
You know, I'm just gonna wait for you outside. Okay.
Hey. Hey.
So, how's, uh, abuelita?
Oh, she'll be fine.
I'm gonna spend a couple of days with her to make sure she's okay.
But she's already crazy about a new telenovela.
Burning Love. (WEEPING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Ah! Mmm-hmm.
Well, she's lucky to have you.
I'm lucky I knew you.
Right, here we go. Well, it was great seeing you.
Enough weirdness for one day. Yeah.
Thanks for everything and, uh, you know...
Seriously, good luck, okay?
And sorry it didn't work out between us.
Oh, Pete, please, we both know it wouldn't have worked.
(LAUGHS) Why do you say that?
Because you're in love with Myka.
(CAR HONKING) MYKA: Pete, let's go.
What have you done? I thought this was settled.
What did you do?
What? Calm down. What are you talking about?
You know what I'm talking about.
What did you do with Claire?
Nothing. Why?
What happened? Where's Claire?
She's gone. Someone took her.